Cycle

Aching

Crying inside

Hurting

Longing

Empty

God. I just want that cycle to go away. I want to be held…which, to me, is sardonic. I can’t stand being held since I was sexually assaulted. I used to love hugs, especially long ones. But now, if you hug me for longer than a minute or two, I get fidgety and my only thoughts are “Let go, let go, let go!” I almost begin to wish someone would hold me until I no longer think that. Until I can cry. Until I can sleep without the nightmares coming back.

But…you see, that will never happen. I cannot be who I wish to be; and who I ought to be, I will not be.