Draw back the curtain...

Have you ever felt as if there is a curtain covering your eyes, shielding you from the real meaning of things? From the real purpose of your life? I often experience that feeling when I spend too much time thinking. I think it is because I am so focused on trying to figure things out that I forget to be in the moment and I miss things that are going on around me. I also think it is because I am very, very, very far from understanding myself and why I do the things I do. Perhaps if I could understand myself and why I seem to be such a contradiction to myself, then I could draw back the curtain on my life.
But, I also think that I have lost the ability to control my life and thus the ability to understand myself. When placed in certain situations, I freeze. It is as if I am watching someone else in my place while I stand in the corner silently. As if I can do nothing. Words come surging up through my chest from my heart, yet I cannot get them past my lips. They get stuck. And the words I do utter are the wrong ones with the wrong meanings. I play things down when I want to scream, laugh when I should cry. And when it is all over, I am left knowing I did nothing. Knowing I am alone once again. I am left with the blame because I could not act. And this terrible knowledge seems to always strike me down with a near fatal blow.
Outwardly, I know I appear to be fine, or at least well enough. But inside I am nothing but ashes. The shattered remains of a fragile life without a secure foundation. And what is worse, the me that is on the outside knows that those closest to me capture glimpses of this war zone and that it hurts them to see it. But I don't know what to do to reassure them that I will be alright except to give them the empty words that "I'm fine."
Oh god, if I could save them from what is in me I'd die trying. Die trying and gladly, too.

And, you know, this isn't even touching on the part of me that can be carefree and forget everything but the moment. She comes out every now and then, especially in front of acquaintances. I have yet to determine how much of her is pretend...and how much is reality. And sadly, because she is not a constant part of my life, I do consider her to be a second person from myself. What an odd and funny thought, isn't it?