Love

I am in love with a woman. Or rather, a gender neutral person I can't help but to see as a woman, try as I might to view her in a neutral light. And yes, I said woman. I am a lesbian. And I'd give just about anything to still be able to pretend to be straight. This is not a choice. But if it was, I'd be straight. Being lesbian is too painful because I've lost too much already. And I will continue to lose things, people and life because of the amounts of distrust, hatred, ignorance, fear and misunderstanding from both sides of the fence. Sometimes, I wish this existence was over.

I am...

I am almost 22 years old.
I am the daughter of a Stake President.
I am a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a cousin, a granddaughter.
I am a reader, a writer, a listener.
I am a music lover.
I am protective.
I am shy.
I am learning who I am on my own.
I am stubborn.
I am temperamental.
I am independent.
I am dependent on the approval and acceptance of others.
I am quiet unless I am comfortable with you.
I am a member of the LGBT community.

Beautiful

She was beautiful. And that smile came out different than I meant it too. But I was happy. Someone cared enough to smile at the no one.

Cycle

Aching

Crying inside

Hurting

Longing

Empty

God. I just want that cycle to go away. I want to be held…which, to me, is sardonic. I can’t stand being held since I was sexually assaulted. I used to love hugs, especially long ones. But now, if you hug me for longer than a minute or two, I get fidgety and my only thoughts are “Let go, let go, let go!” I almost begin to wish someone would hold me until I no longer think that. Until I can cry. Until I can sleep without the nightmares coming back.

But…you see, that will never happen. I cannot be who I wish to be; and who I ought to be, I will not be.

Cleaning

Cleaning is a slow process when it is a deep clean. Especially in my bedroom. But even more so in my heart. Sometimes, I want to smash my mirror with my fist. I do not like who I see staring back at me.

Truths

As cliche as it is to say this, things are never as they seem. Another friend came out as gay today. How hard that must be to make everyone look at you differently, to make them see you as you see yourself. Even though it goes against the religion I grew up with and am still a part of, I am still going to support him as a friend should.
So, even though you'll never read this Alex, I will stand by you as a friend regardless of your sexual orientation. I promise that to you and to anyone reading this.

Relections

Reading back over my posts so far on this blog has reminded me of how much pain I've been through. And how slow my progress is towards happiness. And yet, it IS progress. Because I'm now seeing a counselor/psychologist about once a week who has helped a lot. And now I'm seriously trying to watch what I eat and exercise daily. I have yet to miss a day of exercise (save Sundays only) and it has been over half a month. That is nothing short of miraculous for me. Though, I have a good coach and cheer leader in my sister. Her children are also good cheer leaders, even if sometimes the older child's innocent comments can be unintentionally hurtful. He is just a small boy who says what he thinks and sees. There is no tact filter in his mind yet. And I know he loves me.
So who knows, by this time next year, I could be much skinnier and healthier and maybe even much happier. As scary as life is and can and will be...this is something to look forward to :)